Get Schwifty
by Toxic Trash Writes
Summary: A series of (sometimes prompt based) one shots for the Rick and Morty cast. May include characters from Gravity Falls. If there's a pairing, I'll put it in the author's note.
1. Chapter 1

**Get Shwifty**

 **Prompt One: "Literally everything we're doing is illegal."**

 _ **BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!**_

Morty covered his ears with gloved hands as the blaring of an alarm sounded.

 _ **BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!**_

In an attempt not to panic, he looked down at his grandfather. Rick didn't seem to notice the loud alarm as he continued to dig through the dirt. He had already gotten knee deep, there wasn't much more to go.

"Rick!"

The old man turned and glared at him. "What, M-URRP-orty? Got-got something to say, you piece of-you piece of shit slacker? Huh?" He pulled his flask out of the breast pocket of his lab coat and took a long swig. "Is your brain so tiny you-you forgot what I told you three minutes ago? _Dig_ , Morty!"

Morty shook his head, the blaring of the alarms seeming to get quieter as he grew angry. He threw his gloves on the ground. "RICK! Wh-wh-what's going on?!"

Rick rolled his eyes, knowing that this conversation was meaningless. He turned back towards the hole he had been digging and continued his work. "Li-Listen, Mor-URRP-ty. Not all of us are-are well off-not everyone is able to just-just pay for things, Morty! Sometimes you gotta get your hands in the mud." He paused. "Dirt. Whatever."

Ignoring his grandpa's poor joke, Morty instead focused on the more pressing matter. "I-I-I-I thought we were just getting some shoelaces, Rick!"

Morty could practically feel the annoyance coming from Rick. "Well, _Morty_ , obvious-obviously we're getting sho-URRP-shoelaces. But shoelaces are like kalaxian crystals in this dim-URRP-ension, Morty. So, uh. Literally everything we're doing at this point is illegal."

"Aw-aw, jeez, R-R-R-Rick! D-don't you have money?!"

"Uh, no, Morty I don't. This dimension only accepts a currency of highly flammable genitalia. So unless you wanna chop your nutsack off for ol' grandpa here, my idea is better." Rick smirked at Morty's horrified face as the dumb boy covered his nuts.

Rick snickered, giving one big stomp in the hole only to cause the ground beneath his feet to crumble. He let out a short yelp. On the way down, he fell onto a guard, who cushioned the majority of his fall.

"Aw, fuck..." Rick groaned out, rubbing his head. Looking around, a wide grin spread over his face. He fucking knew there was an underground stash down here. "Morty!" He turned his gaze up to his young grandson who was peeking at him through the hole.

"Rick! Are-are-are you okay?"

"Y-URRP-yeah. Fuckin' peachy." The old scientist struggled to his feet and dusted himself off. He glanced at the gaurd he'd fallen on. The alien had passed out. "Now get your ass down here and kill this guard for me."

"N-no way, Rick. I'm-I'm not doing your dirty work!" Despite his words, the teen began to wiggle down the hole and grunted as he landed in the underground. "Why do we have to kill him anyway? Couldn't we settle for-I dunno, leaving him unconscious?" Morty waited for Rick to tell him some stupid ass reason for why the guard should be dead but it never came. Curious, the boy turned to where Rick was, watching as his grandpa shoveled shoelaces into his pockets.

Then Morty wondered something. "Rick. Why-why the hell didn't we just buy them?"

"Ugh, Morty. Dumb as ever." With a swift motion, the old man pulled his portal gun out of his lab coat and shot a portal back to their dimension. He reached awkwardly to tug Morty through with him. While Rick stepped gracefully into their garage, Morty had been dropped with a small _**thud**_ as he hit the ground. "The shoe-URRP-laces are only rare if-if they're from the Defariaxion planet. They-they stuff the whoooole thing with this super intense m-mating serum, Mo-URRP-rty. These bad boys are worth more than five trillion burning nutsacks."

In the process of Rick's explanation, Morty had gotten himself to his feet, an understanding look on his face. "So are you g-gonna sell 'em to the Opinals from X-34227? Aren't they having trouble with their failing population?"

Rick set the mass of shoelaces he'd stolen on his work bench. "Funny how you suddenly think grandpa is a good, respectable man of society. These bad boys are gonna be sold to F-'§7 for a fortune, biiiitch!" Upon seeing his grandson's disapproving reaction, Rick explained, "Th-that dimension is getting taken over by a powerful demon, Morty. A demon who's going to make them all be sad for the rest of their lives until they all kill themselves. It's-it's-it'll be a suicide dimension soon, Morty! So I'm gonna sell these to the inhabitants so they can all enjoy at least two more days of all out fun."

"Oh, boy, Rick. I-I-I dunno... M-maybe we could just sell them to X-34227 and then help the people of F-'§7 find a new home?" Morty rubbed his arm awkwardly, realizing that he'd said the wrong thing as soon as the words had left his mouth. Rick slammed his fist on the table.

"Listen here, you little shit. There is no helping anyone else, remember? If we took the people to a new dimension, the demon would just go take over another one. The universe works that way. Besides, you don't need to worry about that." He tossed a shoelace to Morty. The boy fumbled a bit but caught it nonetheless. "It's just Rick and Morty, a hundred years."

Morty nodded. "Y-yeah. I-I guess you're right."

"I'm always right."

"Why'd you give me a shoelace, Rick?"

"It's a shoelace that holds the strongest serum for mating. Use it on whoever you want."

Morty let his mouth fall open in shocking realization. He felt his hands grow sweaty.

"Oh, g-geez."

 **END**


	2. Chapter 2

**I was wondering if anyone would notice!**

 **Dimension** **F-'§7 (the one that's going to be taken over by a demon)** ** _is_** **in fact a dimension where Bill Cipher starts Weirdmaggedon. However, it's not the same dimension where Grunkle Stan saves the day (which is actually dimension 46'\, as said in _Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons_ ). I'm planning on writing a follow up about Rick's visit to dimension F-'§7 soon.**

 **Also, I wrote this particular piece three days prior to the episode airing.**

 ** _Get Schwifty_**

 ** _Prompt: The Ricklantis Mixup Hype_**

Rick let out a loud groan. The boat he sat in tilted to the side as he shifted his weight to the side. He stared at his reflection in the water below him.

Why had he agreed to this stupid "men's day" again?

"Hey, Morty! You're doing great for your first time fishing, son!"

"I-it's not that hard, d-dad."

Rick groaned again, turning to see his grandson and son in law on the opposite end of the boat, fishing rods in their hands. This was the worst.

"No, really, you're doing great." Jerry smiled at his son, glancing at Rick. His face instantly darkened. "Rick. Would you care to join us?"

"Shut the fuck up, Jerry! I don't-I don't need some stu-URRP-pid pole to catch fucking-to catch some fish!" The old man shot Jerry a glare and kept eye contact as he pulled his flask out from his lab coat.

Morty faced his grandpa, worry on his face. "G-geez, Rick. Dad was just asking. No-no need to be so mean."

Rick rolled his eyes. "Whatever, Morty. Why don't you and Captain Idiot here just keep fishing while grandpa-while grandpa finds something to kill his time with?" With that, the old man turned his gaze back towards the water and took in the view. The Atlantic Ocean was before him and all Rick wanted to do was drown himself in it.

He heard Jerry whine, "Oh, come on! Not again! There's so much litter in this water..." There was the sound of plastic smacking against wood. Rick shrugged. At least the litter here didn't eat people alive.

An hour passed with Jerry and Morty making small talk, reeling in fish, and then promptly tossing them back into the sea. Growing too bored for his own good, Rick pulled out his movie goggles and flipped through Disney movies for shits and giggles. He happened upon Atlantis and snorted.

What the hell.

XxXxX

"Rick, this was supposed to be a bonding day. Not just another dumb excuse for you to take Morty on some dangerous adventure!"

"Fuck you, Jerry! I've been sitting on-on this stupid fucking boat in the middle of nowhere for hours!"

There were no other boats in sight. Rick was standing at the end of the boat, hand wrapped around Morty's forearm. Jerry was nearly nose to nose with his father in law, rage written all over his face. Rick burped in his face and reached to his wrist. Pressing a button on it, his and Morty's clothes vaporized. Morty let out a yelp and covered himself.

"God, Rick. Maybe warn me next-next time-" And suddenly he felt fabric between his junk and hand. Looking down, he saw that he was now in yellow, skin tight swim trunks. "Oh, geez."

XxXxX

"Morty, holy SHIT! I don't know what the fuck those are but RUN! You too, Jerry! I'm not coming back here for your dead corpse!"

Morty bolted past Rick, his dad close behind him. "J-J-Jesus Christ, Rick! What-what the hell were you thinking?!" His legs were burning and he felt like he might throw up from over exertion. Ignoring his grandson's wailing, Rick stayed close behind Morty and glanced back. Behind them was a massive army of sea-people. They looked human enough, save for their sharpened teeth and nails, yellow eyes, and the tentacles that stretched out from their hips. Rick heard Morty yell out obscenities at him and turned forward again.

"Well, Morty, we wouldn't be in this fucking sit-URRP-uation if some piece of shit kid hadn't decided to pity their equally piece of shit father!" He pulled a mini grenade out of his pocket, pulling the pin. "I-I'm talking about-about you, in case you couldn't tell, M-Morty!" Chucking the grenade behind him, he looked around for a way out of this watery hell.

"I'm-I'm not stupid, Rick, I got it!" An explosion sounded, multiple screams following quickly behind.

The teen checked behind himself for his father. Jerry had fallen quite a bit behind and was nearly behind Rick. He panted out, "What the hell is going on here, Rick?"

The scientist grabbed Jerry by the collar and pulled him along until they caught up to Morty. "Why don't you just keep your fuck-fucking-why don't you just keep your dumbass mouth sh-shut, Jerry!" He quickly pulled his portal gun out and shot a portal, shoving Jerry and Morty through it.


End file.
